


A Code In 3 Parts

by ununoriginal



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: M/M, One of My Favorites
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-16
Updated: 2008-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-15 04:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/845272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ununoriginal/pseuds/ununoriginal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Over time, Ryo deciphers the code of his own feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> 'Code' is one of my favouritest JE songs, and it was the reason that changed my initially unfavourable impression of Ryo. Every time I see him perform this song is an experience, and the one on Pacific finally galvanised me to write something for it.

In the dream, he doesn't really know where he is, just that there are a lot of people, all around, and it's hard to make himself heard.  It's not exactly dark but he can't make out anyone's faces.  He's moving, though he's not sure how, after someone who's ahead of him.  They've turned, laughing and looking back, beckoning him.  
  
He wants to call out for them to wait, but he gets the feeling that they're enjoying themselves too much, rushing on ahead.  He swallows back the words and tries to will himself faster onwards instead.  
  
But try as he might, he just can't reach them.  At some points, he thinks he can almost graze them with his fingertips, but still they slip away, ever elusive.  
  
It's frustrating, painful, _frightening_ , and he wants to shout at them, after them, telling them to stop, to come back, to not leave him behind, because in this desperate pursuit, he's found that they are more important than anything else in the world.  He struggles to get this across to them, but nothing coming out from his throat sounds right.  
  
In the end, he falls, amidst the faceless masses.  He can't seem to see them anymore, they're too far ahead of him.  The only thing filling his vision is the endless blur of figures and his hand reaching out, grasping and touching nothing.  
  
But then for an instant, the milling crowds pause and part.    
  
He first hears the footsteps, and then a hand that clasps around his own, pulling him up.  He gazes into the shadowed face, features darkened by standing with their back against a light that's almost unbearably bright.  
  
And suddenly he knows the right words will emerge, but the hand holding his lets go and comes up to brush the corner of his mouth.  He shuts his eyes against the brilliance as they lean in closer, bathing him in radiance, feeling it surround him.  
  
Love.  He feels love.


	2. Part 1

“I read about it, yo.  Wa, Ryo-chan is being a good senpai, ne. ^_^”  
  
That was the beginning.  
  
Confused, Ryo had sent a reply back to Yamapi demanding further explanation for his cryptic text message.  
  
“Shige, it's Shige!  He wrote about you in his latest Myojo essay.  Ah, even now, we can learn many things from you, ne. :D”  
  
Since he was still at the agency, he bullied one of the Juniors – not as easy over here in Osaka where they saw him get constantly put down by the likes of Yoko and Hina – for a copy of the magazine.  As luck would have it, Subaru and Yoko happened across him as he made his way to the final paragraph, and of course they didn't let him live down the fact that they actually caught him reading something.  But at least he'd finished reading the essay.    
  
It left him in a strangely good mood for the rest of the day, the incident that he thought might have sparked off the essay replaying in his mind.  
  
*  
  
Both he and Shige had been slated to appear on 'Waratte Iitomo' earlier in the year to promote their respective dramas, and after the filming, he had bumped into Shige along the way out.  They had about one week's break before NewS was due to head out again to finish up the rest of the spring tour, and Ryo was supposed to take the Shinkansen back to Osaka that night to settle some Eito stuff.  
  
Shige had paused outside, at the studio's porch, looking up at the sliver of night sky in between the towering buildings.  Following his line of sight, Ryo glanced up too, but couldn't figure out what Shige could be gazing at.    
  
Then Shige had let out a breath and his shoulders slumped slightly.  He'd seemed so tired then, in that instant, as he'd started to walk off, that it felt to Ryo like he would fade off into the distance the further he went away.  
  
Maybe it was because he'd already lost two band members, or maybe it was the thought that in less than a month's time, they might never get to work together again, but before he could stop himself, Ryo had called out after Shige.  
  
Shige had stopped and turned, obvious surprise written upon his face.  They had barely exchanged any words outside of work before.  Ryo had no idea what Shige would be doing after he left the studio, what his likes and dislikes were, his interests, ambitions, plans for the future.  He didn't even have Shige's phone number or email address.  It hit Ryo that he'd been standing next to this person in front of him on a stage for more than two years, and yet, he was still a virtual stranger.  
  
“My train's not for another two hours, you want to get some supper?” Ryo blurted out.  
  
“Eh?”  Shige seemed to be having trouble believing his ears.  Ryo understood that feeling: he was having trouble believing them himself.  The Shinkansen he was due on was actually twenty minutes from leaving, but he suddenly felt the urge to stay a bit longer, spend a little more time with a fellow member of a group which he once thought he would be relieved to be free from, and now only realised how tragically mistaken he had been.  
  
“You heard me the first time,” he growled in embarrassment.  “Let's go, I'm hungry!”  With that, he stalked past the bewildered-looking Shige, leaving Shige to catch up with him in a fluster.  
  
“H-hai, sumimasen!”  
  
Ryo stopped abruptly, causing Shige to stumble into him.  _That_ was one thing he definitely knew about the younger man though - he was always apologising.  
  
“Why do you _always_ have to say that?  What did I tell you before?  It's 'thank you',” Shige's brow furrowed, as if to ask what the heck for, “'thank you' for me gracing you with my presence at supper, and also, because it will be my treat.”  
  
“Oh, alright then, sor--” Shige stopped himself at Ryo's warning look and grinned sheepishly back.  “Arigatou!”  
  
Ryo learned that night that when Shige truly smiled, his eyes would become shining bright.  
  
*  
  
After reading that first Myojo essay, which was the third in the series, Ryo went home and sneaked into his sister's room for the previous two copies of the magazine.  It became a habit over the next few months to casually flip through Myojo and check out the latest piece of Shige's writing.  
  
When Yamapi discovered his 'clandestine' activity, he marvelled that someone actually managed to get Ryo reading.  “That's amazing!” Yamapi kept saying and Ryo got grumpy in his embarrassment and decided to kick Yamapi out of his apartment earlier than usual.  
  
“Ne, ne!  Shige's j-webs are really interesting too! XD”  
  
And so Ryo also found himself checking Shige's j-webs periodically for updates on the imaginary cat's adventures.  
  
He worked hard, throwing himself into Eito activities to block out the desperate hope and sick anxiety that would churn in the pit of his stomach as the end of the year and Countdown approached; when the question of ' _would they or wouldn't they?_ ' started clamouring in his head.  
  
The knot dissolved the night before New Year's Eve when he received the call about NewS' return from hiatus.  The following day was a blur of rehearsals, more hectic for him than anyone else because he had to run through two routines, and he had never felt more exhilarated.  
  
Then midnight would soon be upon them, and he was going to leave NewS' dressing room so he could psyche himself up to be dorky-silly for Eito's performance that would be coming first.  Yamapi, Tegoshi and Massu were also gone to take their places in the line-up for their imminent performances.  Koyama was happily flailing, still sniffling slightly from the bout of tears he'd inevitably burst into when all six of them had gathered in the dressing room earlier.  
  
“Do we look alright?  Do we look okay?  I hope nothing goes wrong, what if I sing the wrong lyrics, I didn't get to practice the steps enough...”  Koyama always tended to run his mouth off when he was excited and/or nervous.  
  
“You're fine, man.  Calm down.  That one over there though, his hair sucks and he should do something about it,” he said, smirking.  
  
Shige, standing in front of the dresser mirror styling his hair, paused.  “Thank you, Nishikido-kun.  Clearly that's what I'm doing.”    
  
He smirked right back, a confidence in his expression Ryo didn't ever think he had seen there before, and again, he was confronted by the knowledge that even after all they'd gone through, even though he'd painstakingly scoured all the outpourings of Shige's thoughts on paper, he still didn't know this person across the room from him.  Not really.  It was as if by the time Ryo had stepped up, Shige had gone on ahead again.  
  
Later, Ryo rushed backstage to change his costume and join the huddle as NewS prepared to take Tokyo Dome by storm.  Joshima's voice was booming around the arena, and then Yamapi was saying, “Minna, this is our new beginning.”  
  
Ryo looked across to where Shige was standing at the opposite side of the circle, meeting Shige's eyes shining bright. _  
  
 _Yes, this is our new beginning.__

__***  
_ _

“Hey, what's this?”  
  
It was three weeks after the Countdown and their days had been nothing a flurry of meetings, discussions, dance practices and rehearsals, peppered with the occasional interview and photoshoot.  The live tour celebrating NewS' and their fans' reunion was due to kick off in less than two weeks.  Ryo hadn't been back to Osaka since the new year began and at times, it felt like he was practically living with these five other people.  
  
Yet despite it all, it didn't feel like a burden.  It was incredible, when two years ago touring with NewS was only made bearable by the presence of Yamapi and Uchi, that now he couldn't wait to set off.  
  
Not everyone was _that_ keen for it to start so early though.  Shige flopped exhaustedly on the couch in their dressing room after another gruelling session of group dance practice.  Out of all of them, he was the most rusty, barely having done any dancing and singing in the months they were on hiatus.  
  
An hour, Ryo decreed, that was all Shige was going to get before they would continue to work on refining Shige's solo performance.    
  
In what he was beginning to recognise as typical of Shige's character, the younger man had ambitiously decided to do a dance routine for the new song he had composed and written the lyrics to, because it fit the style of the song better, and moreover, Ryo was already doing a guitar solo this time round and he didn't want them to clash.  Ryo secretly thought he liked this latent competitive streak in Shige.  
  
But then after it was decided, Shige's inherent insecurities came to the forefront as it became evident that he was going to need more work than the others in coming up to speed with all the dance moves they were going to be performing for the tour.  
  
Impulsively, Ryo had offered to help him with the choreography and practice.  The abrupt halt in conversation in the room following his pronouncement still left him feeling a bit indignant.  “W-what?  Aren't we trying to make sure these will be the best concerts ever?!”  
  
Koyama was the first to break the stunned silence.  “Of course, Ryo-chan!  It's so wonderful of you.  I'm so happy – we'll definitely be stronger with all this member-ai.”  He was practically bouncing, and looked on the verge of hugging Ryo.  
  
“Yeah, well, I'm always wonderful,” he pushed away from the table, quickly standing up, “let's go, Kato, now's a good time as any.”  Ryo's tone had been more brusque than usual, but it didn't fool the others any.  
  
Which had brought them here, to their dressing room for an hour's break to catch a quick bite before Shige would run through his moves while Ryo picked out the flaws, and together, they would come up with how to either simplify it so Shige could perform it more easily, or practice it repeatedly until it was imprinted onto Shige's admittedly more inferior muscle memory.  
  
The others had already left, and it was just the two of them.  “Kato, move it!  I'd like to see my bed sometime before midnight for once.”  He gave Shige a poke before standing up to head out the doorway.  
  
Behind him, Shige groaned and pushed himself up.  Heaving to his feet, he felt the crackle of paper crumpling under his left hand.  A scrap of notebook paper drifted to the floor.  Picking it up, he smoothed it out.  It was covered in what he recognised as Ryo's scrawling handwriting.  
  
“Hey, what's this?”  
  
Ryo turned back, and the smirking expression on his face at Shige's whinging morphed into genuine horrified embarrassment as he realised what Shige was holding.  
  
“Nothing!  It's nothing!  Just some lyrics I was working on.”  He strode over, trying to make a desperate grab for the paper.    
  
Shige blithely blocked his grasping hands and continued scanning the sheet.  Ryo suddenly viciously missed the days he could intimidate Shige into the corner of the room like a terrified little bunny.  
  
“Nishikido-kun, this is really good,” Shige murmured, mouthing along with the words.  
  
Ryo stopped struggling in surprise, causing the both of them to stumble at the unanticipated shift in force.  He caught hold of Shige's arm to steady him.  “It is?  I mean, of course it is!”  But inside him, an unexpected upswelling of pride was blossoming.  Shige, creative Shige who wrote so beautifully and insightfully, _liked_ what he had written.  
  
“Yes, there's so much emotion in it and you're conveying all these different levels of meaning here...  How did you come up with this?”  Shige looked up at him in admiration.  
  
“It's just this dream I had recently.”  It had come to Ryo not long after the Countdown.  He couldn't really remember the details, but the emotion it left him with had prompted him to take up pen and paper to write something.  Incredibly, the words had flowed easily.  
  
“Hey, why aren't you using this for your solo?  It would definitely sound better and cooler.”  
  
“Really?”  Ryo frowned slightly at the thought of having to learn something new at this late stage.  
  
“Oh?”  Shige's expression became slightly mischievous.  “Is the great Nishikido-kun saying he can't do it?”  
  
“What the fuck?  Of course not!  I'll speak to the stage director tomorrow.”  
  
Shige's eyes were sparkling merrily and he decided to let Shige continue thinking he had managed to get a one-up on Nishikido Ryo.  
  
*  
  
Ryo walked in on Tegoshi and Shige their first night's performance in Osaka.  They were sitting in front of the dresser mirror, Shige's long fingers combing through Tegoshi's hair, laughing and joking as Shige playfully drew Tegoshi's hair this way and that.  
  
“What the hell are you two doing?” Ryo asked, ignoring that niggling, nameless feeling in his gut at the sight.  
  
Two heads swivelled to face him with identical puzzled expressions.  “Ano, Shige's doing my hair, Ryo-tan,” Tegoshi started, as if he was pointing out something perfectly obvious.  
  
“Yeah, I can see that, but why?”  
  
“What do you mean why, Ryo-chan?  Shige's always been doing Tegoshi's hair.”  Pi prodded Ryo's shoulder in fake reproach as he passed Ryo on his way in, having overheard the exchange.  
  
“How come I don't remember this?” Ryo stubbornly insisted.  
  
Shige shrugged, switching on the flat-iron and nudging Tegoshi to get him to sit still, sifting out a lock of hair to begin his work.  “There's a name for your condition, Nishikido-kun.  It's called incipient dementia.”  Then he and Tegoshi fucking _giggled_ together while Ryo swore at them to stop using big, jargon-y words that made no sense and Yamapi snickered in the background.  
  
The next day, Ryo started the trend of force-feeding Shige that became such a prominent feature in their concert DVD, and no, it was purely for the entertainment value of seeing Shige being bullied.  There wasn't any element of revenge involved at all – Ryo wasn't petty like that.  
  
*  
  
Ryo slumped in front of the mirror, stoned.  It was early afternoon before the Hokkaido performance and he was beyond exhaustion, having just flown in from Kansai in the early hours of this morning.  He'd barely caught two hours of sleep before launching into rehearsals, only managing to summon up the energy to run through the routines on sheer willpower.  Now he stared hopelessly at the ruffled mess that was his hair and despaired at even lifting up a comb.  
  
He jerked, startled, when fingers suddenly ran through his hair.  “You need help with that?”  Shige's deep voice came from somewhere close behind him, laced with amusement and not a little sympathy.  
  
He must have grunted something that sounded like assent because the next moment, Shige's hands were gently positioning his head and he felt the long digits start working out the tangles.  He must have dozed off, because the next moment Shige was shaking him, telling him he was done.  
  
Pushing himself up, Ryo stumbled over to the couch.  He peered blearily at Shige clearing up the items on the dresser.  “Shige, stop messing around over there and come over here!”  
  
Accustomed to his random demands, Shige obligingly came over, whereby Ryo pulled him down and promptly lay down, using Shige's lap as a pillow.  
  
Shige squawked, half flustered and awkward, half outraged that Ryo had just undid all his work by messing up his hair again.  Ryo merely whacked Shige's knee lightly and curled up, snuggling further into his ratty bathrobe, mumbling that Shige could just do it again before drifting off.  
  
Two hours later, Ryo was a bouncing ball of energy, abandoning the gravitas of his 'aniki' role in favour of Kanjani-esque dorkiness.    
  
“Ryo seems to like Shige doing his hair, ne.”  
  
Ryo decided to drown out Massu's pertinent observation by bellowing 'Kakao' at the top of his voice.  
  
*  
  
“Ryo-chan seems so much more genki these days,” Yasu commented, smiling brightly at Ryo, in the middle of one of their rehearsals for '47'.    
  
Right after the NewS tour finished, Kanjani8 had set out on their quest to conquer all 47 prefectures of Japan.  It was inspiring, exciting, and Ryo was enjoying himself despite the gruelling schedule, but he also found himself somehow missing the very different energy of his time with NewS.  
  
As if reading his mind, Yasu continued, “I'm glad that NewS got to come back.  It's been good for you.”  
  
Yasu was right, when Ryo thought about it.  For him, NewS had lived up to its ambitious name over the years – his experiences in the group having brought him far and wide, physically, mentally, emotionally.  He'd learned so much more about himself, about others, this industry, this life, than he would have if he had only been in Kanjani8.  
  
As the '47' tour progressed, the non-stop travelling took its toll and Ryo found himself missing the less hyperactive dynamic of his other band.  Sometimes he sought refuge with Ohkura, calmer and quieter than the others, but Ohkura was weak in the face of Yoko and Subaru's overbearing mischief, so more often than not, Ryo would be dragged into whatever ridiculous game their twisted minds came up with.  
  
He looked forward to the days when he would get text messages from Tokyo, the other members updating him on their lives and activities, cheering him on for the nationwide tour.  A few times, on particularly interminable nights spent in unfamiliar districts when even Yoko and Subaru were quiet, he even called them up.  
  
Apart from Pi, he liked calling Shige most.  Shige almost always answered immediately, even if it was in the dead of night or the early hours of the morning, and Ryo liked that since he hated to wait.  They would never speak too long because Shige would still be rushing for his school assignments, but it still left Ryo feeling connected, somehow.  
  
One morning not long after Kanjani8 had completed their triumphant four nights at Osaka-jou Hall, Ryo trudged tiredly into the NewS' dressing room, having pulled another overnighter from Kansai.  NewS was scheduled for a full day of photoshoots and Yamapi and Koyama had gone ahead to do their pair-shots, while Tegoshi and Massu were leaving just as Ryo entered.   
  
Ryo made a beeline for Shige, sprawled over one edge of the long sofa, busily texting on his phone.  “What are you doing?” Ryo asked, yawning, as he prodded Shige to shift himself.  
  
Shige automatically sat up, raising his right arm slightly so Ryo could flop down with his head in Shige's lap.  “I'm updating my j-web.  Wagahai's going to talk about my birthday, and how Yamashita-kun brought me out and gave me a really good treat... and you aren't really listening, are you?”  
  
Ryo's eyes were already closed.  He breathed in the scent of Shige's cologne, letting the sound of Shige's softly muttering voice as he thought about what to write waft over him.  Shige's hand rested in his hair, ruffling it, and it came to Ryo then, in this moment, right here, right now, that he was truly happy.


	3. Part 2

Ryo was whistling as he entered the NHK building, his light step belying the fact that he had just criss-crossed the country several times over in the past few months, fulfilling his role as key member of two top Japanese boy bands.  
  
Something had occurred to him after he had left with Kanjani8 for the last leg of the tour.  They'd gotten off the Shinkansen at Fukuoka and there'd been a delay in their transport to the hotel.  Bored with waiting around, Ryo had wandered off to a nearby newsstand to see if he could sneak a peak at the latest Myojo – it had become a habit he couldn't kick.  
  
He'd come across the magazine in which NewS did the pair-shots photoshoot instead, and as he stared at his and Shige's faces grinning from the pages, he was suddenly overcome with a pang of deep longing.  He had his phone in his hand before he knew it and would have already pressed the 'call' button if Maru hadn't suddenly popped up over his shoulder asking what he was doing.  
  
Ryo had jumped in shock and slammed shut the magazine, but it was too late – Yoko had been behind Maru and ninja'd the magazine away in the resulting scuffle, and they subsequently spent the trip to the hotel ribbing Ryo for being a narcissistic bastard.  Only Ryo knew that he hadn't been looking at himself.  
  
Not long after he'd returned from Okinawa, where Kanjani8 had held the finale of the '47' tour, recording for 'weeeek' and the filming of the PV had begun.  It was an extremely upbeat song and destined to become a favourite of the fans.  Ryo had thoroughly enjoyed the whole process – it had been an interesting experience, donning suits for once, and pretending to be salarymen, clowning around for the PV and their TV performances.  
  
He'd had to commute back to Osaka a couple of times to film Janiben as well, but nowadays, more and more, he was beginning to look forward to returning to Tokyo.  
  
Today he was a man with a plan.  For a while now, it had been bugging him that Wagahai had been reporting on Shige's j-web that Shige and Yamapi had been hanging out frequently.  It made him realise that although in the past year, he'd come to know the Shige at work and the Shige on tour well, there were still other facets of the younger man that escaped him.  
  
Granted, their schedules had been incredibly busy this year, and whatever time Ryo had off from NewS had been spent with Eito, so it wasn't unbelievable that he hadn't even gone out once for a proper dinner with Shige yet.  
  
There had been the one time a couple of weeks ago though, when he'd casually dragged Shige to a nearby yakiniku place, but Koyama had called Shige just as they sat down, and before long, Ryo had been munching on grilled meat a little disgruntledly, watching Koyama monopolise Shige's attention as they gossiped about unfamiliar Juniors who were beneath Ryo's notice.  
  
So this time round, Ryo was going to get Shige out _without_ any other intruding presences to distract from the focus of the outing, namely, him.  His birthday was around the corner, and Shige couldn't possibly refuse if he insisted that Shige come out with him for that, Ryo decided.  
  
“Wa, Ryo-chan's quite genki today!” Pi's slightly nasal voice drew him out of his thoughts and he turned around to see Yamapi striding to catch up with him.  
  
“Yes, this is the ideal mood to maintain for 'weeeek'.” Ryo grinned back and they entered the dressing room where Koyama was already getting ready.  
  
“Hey, Koyama,” Yamapi greeted.  “Shige says he'll come by later after the Shokura taping.  Apparently filming's going to end earlier for him today.”  
  
Ryo's mood improved even further, despite finding it a little strange that Yamapi was informing Koyama of Shige's movements instead of the other way round.  Dismissing it from his mind, he went back to his own plans, it seemed like he would be able to put them into action sooner than he thought.  
  
*  
  
The first part of the Shokura taping was a breeze.  Everyone was hyped and 'weeeek' always sounded better when they were all a little high and hyper.  Then Ryo and Yamapi were back in the waiting room whiling away the half hour before Ryo was due to go on again for his solo.  
  
Yamapi seemed on a bit of a buzz himself. “Ne, Ryo-chan!  There's something I want to tell you after the taping--”  
  
But then a Junior respectfully knocked on the door, asking Yamapi away to double-check something about the ending of the episode.  Ryo plopped down on the couch and glanced impatiently at his watch.  Fifteen more minutes.  He wished time could run faster, so that the taping would end sooner and Shige would come.  
  
Suddenly, a familiar ringtone sounded, causing Ryo to jerk up to see Yamapi's phone vibrating on the table.  Curious, he leaned forward to see who was calling, and his heart skipped a beat as Shige's name flashed across the screen.  
  
Without thinking, he picked up the phone and pressed the 'answer' button.    
  
“Pi?  It's me,” Shige had cut in before Ryo could even say 'hello', “Sorry, I can't talk long.  Seems like I won't be able to make it down so soon.  There's a couple of scenes that need redoing and it looks to take all evening.  I've told my parents that I have overnight shooting though, so I'll be able to come over to your place tonight.  See you later, yeah?”   
  
It was the first time Ryo had heard such a gentleness, this warmth in the tone of Shige's voice.  Ryo never thought it would be like the sound of his world cracking apart and crumbling from one breath to the next.  He closed his eyes tight, and reopened them, expecting to see a ruined wilderness, but no, it was still the same waiting area, still the same table, the same couch, and the same incriminating phone in his hand.  
  
“Pi?” Shige was asking, beginning to be concerned when there was no response from the other end of the line.  
  
Ryo opened his mouth to say something, but it felt like something was strangling his throat, and all he could manage were harsh, pained breaths.  
  
“Pi, are you alright?”  
  
Ryo swallowed hard. “It's not Pi, baka!  Check who you're speaking to before you run your mouth off next time!”  He hung up on Shige's astonished “Nishikido-kun?” and realised his left hand was clenched, nails digging into his palm. The abrupt silence was like a roar filling him with its emptiness and he shook his head, trying to clear it.  
  
“Ryo-chan?”  
  
Ryo's head whipped up at Koyama's approach and he stood quickly, dropping the phone back on the table.  “Yeah!  Is it time for me to go on?  Just let me go get my guitar.”  He turned to leave the room when Koyama pointed out, puzzled, that Ryo was supposed to be just singing today.  
  
“Oh, then I'll go change into the next costume.”  Occupied, that's all Ryo had to do – keep himself occupied.  
  
“We don't have to change when it's still the same episode, ne, Ryo-chan, are you okay?”  Koyama came up to Ryo, his brow furrowing in worry.  
  
“It's nothing,” Ryo forced himself to say, “Shige called, he said filming would run late and he wouldn't be able to come down in time.”  
  
“Oh, that's too bad!” Koyama sighed.  “Yamapi will be quite disappointed – he's been missing Shige quite a bit since Shige started filming on 'Sugata Sanshirou'.”  
  
It was as if Ryo had been thrown into a world where even though they were all speaking the same language, he could no longer comprehend the meanings.  
  
“Koyama...” Ryo's voice was barely a whisper, Koyama had to lean in further to hear it, “Pi... Pi and Shige... they're...”  
  
“Pi and Shige? Oh!”  Koyama smiled as he figured out what Ryo was trying to ask.  “Yes, if that's what you're thinking, you're right.  Pi asked Shige on his birthday, and Shige agreed soon after.  I guess you've been away so much they never found a decent time to tell you.”  
  
*  
  
The only lights in the NHK hall were the ones shining down on him as the opening chords to 'Code' began to play and Ryo had just found out, truly understood, today, his inspiration and reason for writing this song.  
  
Had it all only been his imagination?  Was it his own delusion that Shige felt the same as him, that he saw their relationship in the same light as Ryo did?  
  
Ryo had changed – from the cocky bastard when NewS first formed, he'd mellowed into someone who was able to see the best of both worlds, and appreciate how fortunate he was to have this.  And it had started the one night he'd decided to miss the train.  
  
Shige had changed too, he'd become more handsome, more confident, more comfortable stepping out under the spotlight.  His star had risen, and was now shining brighter than ever before.  Only that brilliance wasn't meant for Ryo.  
  
Once again, he was too late, and Shige had gone on to a place Ryo could never catch up with.  
  
Would it have been different if he'd been less busy, spent more time in Tokyo, been less self-absorbed, been more aware of his own feelings?  
  
Would Ryo have been the one Shige spoke to with such sweet affection if he had been the one to take Shige out for his birthday?    
  
If he had been more honest with himself, braver, would he have been the one Shige would lie to his parents for, so that they could get to spend the night together?  
  
The regrets flowed unrelenting with the notes of the song, and with each 'Yeah' that was torn from his throat, the rents in his heart seemed to slash ever wider.  
  
He'd wanted so much more.  
  
To have Shige wake him up in the mornings; to drive Shige to his university campus on their days off; to meet up again for lunch; to send Shige irritating text messages to which Shige would reply with exasperated fondness; to have Shige do his hair before every performance; to doze off with his head in Shige's lap while waiting for Shige to finish his late-night studying; to have Shige lying warm next to him every night.  
  
He wanted to be angry at Shige: how could he not understand how Ryo felt?  How could he leave Ryo behind like this, and be happy with someone else?  
  
But how could he rage at Shige for not deciphering a code that he'd hidden even from himself?  
  
The spotlights were piercing in their brilliance, and Ryo dropped his head, clutching the mic stand desperately as Question ran through the riffs and segued into the coda that would build into the climax of the song.  
  
The audience were nothing but a faceless mass of black moving figures and they were no longer visible to Ryo through his blurred vision.  
  
The only things he could see were images of Shige falling all around him, like the scattered remnants of a broken dream: Shige smiling, Shige smirking, Shige frowning, Shige crying, Shige sleeping, Shige laughing, just Shige, Shige, Shige, _Shige_.


	4. Part 3

“Oh! Nishikido-kun!”   
  
Ryo took a step back from the door he had flung open at the unexpected sight of the person standing in the doorway.  
  
The tension in their dressing room had been palpable, an extension of the awkward atmosphere on stage after Ryo had finished singing.  Koyama had immediately pounced on Ryo the moment they had entered, trying to find out what was the matter, but Ryo had brushed it off, insisting he was just tired, and pretended to rummage in his bag for something he wasn't going to find.  Yamapi had just remained silent, watching the two of them as he turned his phone over and over in his hands.  
  
“Ryo-chan, aren't you joining us for dinner?”  Yamapi finally spoke, after Ryo had decided to drop the act and had picked up his bag, standing up to leave.   
  
Ryo had glanced at Yamapi, but the other man had his poker face on, and for once, Ryo couldn't tell what his friend was thinking.  “Maybe another time, Pi.”  He had managed to get the words out as normally as he could and headed towards the door, opening it with more force than usual in his haste to leave.   
  
Only for him to come face to face with the one person he had thought he couldn't bear to see right now.  
  
Shige's large eyes had opened even wider in surprise, and he'd stepped back himself, although his arm was stretched out, like he was still trying to turn the door handle.   
  
“Shige...”   
  
Ryo stared at the younger man, noting the shadows under Shige's eyes that had grown darker, appearing more stark against his pale skin.  His face seemed a little leaner and his hair looked mussed, traces of gel stiffening bits of it.  
  
“Shige!  What are you doing here?  Don't you still have filming?”  Koyama's voice jerked Ryo abruptly out of his reverie, and he quickly moved aside to let Shige come in.  
  
“I did, but after I called Pi, something went wrong with one of the sets and they can't get it fixed till tomorrow, so they gave us the rest of the evening off.”   
  
Ryo's eyes trailed Shige's figure as Shige strode across the room to flop down on the couch next to Yamapi.  Ryo couldn't seem to remember them sitting so close together unless a camera was somewhere in the room, or maybe he'd just never noticed.  
  
“You didn't have to rush down though, we were going to meet later anyway,” Yamapi said with a note of concern as he took in Shige's semi-frazzled state.   
  
Shige smiled tiredly back, but hauled himself up to sit straighter.  “It's okay, I've been missing dinner with you guys.  It'll be good to not have pre-packed bentos for once.  And Nishikido-kun's finally back in town too.”  He turned to Ryo, who felt frozen where he stood, one hand still clutching the edge of the door.  “You wanted to do dinner and drinks when you got back, right?  I thought it would be good if I managed to see you tonight, otherwise we won't know when our schedules will match up like this again.”  
  
“But Ryo-chan's no--”  
  
“Yeah, you're right."  Ryo cut Koyama off before Koyama could finish his sentence.  "We're all busy people.  So what are all of you waiting for?”     
  
“But didn't you say--” Koyama started again, confused.  
  
“I said let's go!” Ryo snapped before walking out.  
  
The other three caught up with him a couple of minutes later along the corridor.  Ryo glanced over his shoulder to see Yamapi half-dragging a yawning Shige along with one hand upon Shige's forearm.  Koyama was on Shige's other side, looking quite perplexed, but Yamapi's eyes, when they met Ryo's, had a thoughtful gleam in them.  
  
Ryo turned away, and walked just a little bit faster.  
  
*  
  
Ryo forced himself to raise his chopsticks for another mouthful of rice, making himself chew mechanically as he kept his eyes on Koyama or a point above Yamapi's left shoulder.  They were at the yakiniku place a couple of blocks from the jimusho, crowded around a small table, Shige to Ryo's left, and even without the visuals, or maybe because of the lack of it, Ryo was even more aware of the younger man than usual.  
  
All these aspects of Shige that he had used to take for granted, that he had seen or touched or heard or felt these past months and years – it all seemed to take on a whole new significance in the light of his revelation.   
  
As they had entered the restaurant and wove their way through the maze of tables to somewhere more private at the back, Ryo, walking behind Shige, had fought down the urge to run his hands down the lean lines of Shige's back, the clinging fabric of Shige's sweater accentuating the toned muscles.  As they had sat down at their table, Shige had leaned over to drop his bag on the ground between his and Ryo's seats, and the quick movement had left Ryo with a sudden faint whiff of an all-too-familiar scent he hungered for more of.   
  
Yamapi had made some in-joke that only Shige and he could understand, and it was when Ryo heard Shige's deep, husky laughter that he realised this was one of the things he had missed most for the past two weeks he'd been away.  Ryo had turned away, but the image of Shige's slightly abashed grin and the almost-self-conscious way in which he'd replied Yamapi was already imprinted upon his mind.  
  
Yet, Shige was no different than he was two weeks ago, or even two months ago, when Ryo had been blissfully ignorant of the altered relationship between Shige and Yamapi.  It was Ryo's perception of Shige that had inexorably, irrevocably changed.   
  
Not for the first time, Ryo wished he had never answered that phone call.  
  
If he hadn't, then maybe he wouldn't read more into Shige's easy interaction with Yamapi, how they were sitting closer together, Shige passing the condiments automatically to Yamapi, Yamapi stealing a sip from Shige's drink without asking.  Or his gut wouldn't twist into knots when it seemed like Shige was leaning in slightly towards Yamapi, or when Yamapi draped his arm casually over the back of Shige's seat.  
  
When the food had arrived, Ryo had begun to eat quietly, letting Shige's animated voice wash over him as the younger man related anecdotes from the day's filming to the rest of the group.   
  
From time to time, Koyama had shot Ryo puzzled glances tinged with concern, and Ryo could tell that he was still wondering about Ryo's abrupt change in demeanour over the course of the Shokura taping earlier, but was thankfully too polite to probe further in such a public place.  Even though every bite had tasted like ashes, Ryo finished his dinner so as not to let Koyama worry more, after which it was much easier to just concentrate on his beer.   
  
As the night wore on, Ryo felt a haze of numbness settling over him, like the times when he was utterly exhausted and yet the show had to go on.  He switched to autopilot, managing to add occasional monosyllabic replies to the ongoing conversation, until gradually Koyama started paying less attention to him.  
  
Ryo was on his fourth beer when Koyama received a call from his sister and had to rush off on an errand before heading home.  
  
In the wake of his departure, there was a sudden lull in which Ryo was almost peaceful, the remaining three of them half-sprawled back in their seats, lazily sipping their drinks and just enjoying the silence.  It felt so utterly normal, like practically any other outing they'd had these past months.  He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, nearly believing that he wasn't living in a changed new world.  
  
Then a cool hand rested across his forehead, followed by Shige's deep voice next to his ear.  “Nishikido-kun, are you not feeling well?”  
  
“What...”  He opened his eyes and turned to meet Shige's concerned gaze.   
  
“Koyama was saying how you were so much more upbeat before Shokura taping started.  Did you catch a bug?”  Shige's hand slid down past Ryo's cheek, coming to rest against the curve of his jaw.  “You seem to feel a bit warmer than usual.  If you're sick, you didn't have to make yourself come tonight.  We could always do dinner another day.”  
  
Ryo stared at Shige's worried expression, speech failing him for the moment as Shige's touch and his electrifying nearness swept away the protective fuzziness that had been cocooning Ryo.  The yearning to pull Shige even closer until they melded together, even if it was only for that moment, became overwhelming.   
  
He tore his eyes away from Shige's, only to catch Yamapi, who was half-leaning on Shige with his chin on Shige's shoulder, watching him back.  Yamapi wasn't exactly smiling, and there was something almost knowing in his scrutiny.   
  
Before he could stop himself, Ryo jerked back, knocking Shige's hand away.  “Look, back off!  I already said I was fine!  I'm just tired!  How many times do I have to repeat that?!”  
  
He didn't miss the flash of surprised hurt on Shige's face as Shige drew his hand back into his lap.  The self-effacing expression shuttered his face like a mask and 'Sumimasen' fell from Shige's lips.  Ryo's heart grew cold.  It was the last thing he wanted to hear.  
  
Yamapi said something in the horrible awkward stillness that followed – Ryo couldn't make out what it was over the sudden roaring in his ears.  He wanted to apologise, but the words were strangled in his throat.  
  
Shige had grabbed his own drink and was hurriedly gulping it, and his brow was wrinkled in a frown that Ryo cursed himself for putting there.  Ryo looked on helplessly as Shige set his glass back on the table and leaned down to pick up his bag.   
  
“I should get going.  It's getting late and I still have a whole lot of script to memorise.”  Shige pushed away from the table and stood up, shouldering his bag.   
  
As he was turning to go, Ryo finally galvanised himself into action, grasping Shige's wrist.  “No, wait.  Shige!”   
  
Shige paused, startled, glancing from Ryo's hand to his face.  
  
“I'm sorry.  I really am just tired.  It's nothing to worry about.”  He could read the tiny hint of relief in Shige's eyes as Ryo's words sank in.  “And I shouldn't have yelled at you.”  
  
Shige finally smiled, and shook his head slightly.  “It's alright, I shouldn't have insisted you come for dinner when you should have been resting.  Take care of yourself, Nishikido-kun.”  He nodded at Yamapi.  “Pi, I'll see you... later?”  
  
Yamapi winked and gave Shige a mock-salute, after which Shige tugged his hand away and walked out.  Ryo watched his receding figure, and felt the same impulse he'd had two years ago to stop him, only this time he was rooted to his seat, and could only watch as Shige disappeared into the crowd outside the restaurant.  
  
“You're in love with Shige, aren't you.”  
  
Ryo's head whipped around at Yamapi's matter-of-fact question-statement.  Yamapi stared back with the same searching gaze that had so unnerved Ryo earlier.  
  
“I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!”  Ryo slammed back his drink, the burn of the alcohol cramping his gut, and signalled the waiter for more beer.  “Stop acting like you know everything about me!”  
  
Yamapi didn't answer and Ryo stubbornly refused to meet Yamapi's eyes so he didn't have to see the truth reflected there.  
  
Later, they entered Ryo's apartment in a half-stumble, Yamapi practically hauling Ryo into his bedroom.  He dumped Ryo on his bed and sat down at the edge, smiling a little at how Ryo immediately curled into a ball on top of the covers.  He poked and prodded the older man until Ryo was finally under the comforter and ran his hand over Ryo's forehead, sweeping back the long fringe that kept obscuring Ryo's features.  
  
“Ah, Ryo-chan, we've always liked the same things, ne.”  
  
And then he was gone, gone back to his own home and welcoming arms awaiting him there, while Ryo drifted off into broken black dreams of Shige and chasing and always falling behind.

***

“Yasu said I'd find you here.”  Hina's voice, quiet and concerned for once, roused Ryo from his malaise.  He felt the edge of the couch he was curled up upon dip as Hina sat, giving Ryo's shoulder a gentle nudge as he did.  
  
In response, Ryo hunched his shoulders even higher, tucking his head resolutely in his arms.  He was in a grand blue funk, and the boisterous rowdiness that was a key Eito feature when all the members got together was something he really didn't want to be near to right now.  
  
The moment dance practice had ended, he'd taken off to the nearest empty dressing room to wallow.  He thought he'd heard the door open once a little earlier, but since whoever it was closed it again after a beat, he'd decided to ignore it.  
  
It had been nearly two weeks since the Shokura taping and nine days since he'd practically fled back to Osaka, but because the various members of Kanjani8 had been scheduled for individual work activities, he hadn't seen any of them until today when they had regrouped for dance choreography and practice.  Most of them had sensed the thundercloud shrouding him and had prudently given him the space he believed he definitely needed.  
  
But not everyone had taken the hint, as evidenced by Hina's not-exactly-welcome presence against his back.  
  
“Ryo, I know you're awake.  Your breathing's different.”   
  
Ryo kept his eyes closed, hoping Hina would give up and leave soon.   
  
“Yamapi gave me a call yesterday.”  
  
Ryo's eyes snapped open.  
  
“He told me a few things, and he wanted me to pass you a message.”  Hina's hand was rubbing slow, calming circles to counter the aching tension in Ryo's upper back.  “He said to let you know that avoiding him... avoiding the both of them, well, it isn't going to make how you feel go away, nor will it make anyone happy.”  Hina had kept quiet after that, merely resting his hand comfortingly on Ryo's shoulder.  
  
Ryo could feel the blood pounding loud in his ears.  He let out a a shaky breath he hadn't realised he had been holding.  Gradually, his hand crept up to clutch Hina's fingers like a lifeline.  The firm grip he received from Hina in return was what finally broke the dam.  
  
Still hanging on to Hina's hand, he heaved himself onto his other side so he could wrap his remaining arm awkwardly around Hina's waist.  They stayed like that, Ryo's face pressed into the side of Hina's thigh, Hina's free hand soothing in Ryo's hair, giving Ryo all the solace he needed, until he felt ready to face the world again.  
  
*  
  
“I never did ask him out for dinner.”  
  
It was much later and Hina had slid off his perch on the edge of the couch to a more comfortable position upon the floor, using the cushioned seat as a backrest instead.   
  
Out of the corner of  his eye, Ryo sensed Hina turning his head towards him, but Ryo kept his gaze fixed on the water marks staining the ceiling. He could easily imagine Hina's expresion though – patient, compassionate, unjudging - the way he always was in times like these, lending Ryo a true oasis of calm in which he could finally sort out his messed-up emotions.  
  
Hina waited, like he'd done when Ryo had been told he and Uchi would be debuting without the rest of Kanjani8, when Uchi had been suspended, when NewS' activities had been stopped.  He would wait until Ryo was ready to start pouring out his heart.  
  
“I had all these vague ideas of... things... that I might have wanted to do, but I never properly understood what they meant.  I didn't even make much of an effort to try.”  Ryo's voice cracked a little as the wave of despair that had been his constant companion these past two weeks threatened to engulf him again.  “But, even then I felt happy, just... happier than ever before.  I... I kept thinking things would always stay like that.  I don't know why I was thinking like that, when the only thing that keeps happening is change.”  
  
Ryo drew in a deep breath as he tried again to push away the images of Shige's hurt, frowning face; Yamapi's understanding, sympathetic expression which had just made Ryo feel worse; Yamapi's hand on Shige's forearm as they had left the dressing room; Shige leaning in towards Yamapi so their shoulders were touching as they shared a menu at the restaurant; the lingering gaze they exchanged as unspoken words flowed between them, just before Shige had left.  
  
“I don't know, Hina.  I didn't even see what was going on right in front of me.  I was so blind... and now I don't know how to face them again.  I feel so stupid.”  Ryo threw an arm across his eyes, blocking out the glaring fluorescent lights overhead.  The confession had left him feeling drained, and even the brightness felt like too much.  
  
Then Hina was gently tugging his arm away with one hand while using his other to turn Ryo's face so their eyes met.  
  
“Do you regret it though?”  
  
“Regret what?” Ryo asked dully.  
  
“These past few months.  All this time you've had with Shige,” Ryo felt a jolt, strangely freeing, as Shige's name left Hina's lips, “those moments of happiness – do you regret them?”  
  
Did he?  Did he wish that he had never stopped Shige for supper so, so long ago?  Would he be spared this torture now if he had never opened his big mouth and volunteered to help Shige back when NewS had resumed their activities?  Would his life had been as interesting if he'd never bothered to get to know this new, shining, confident Shige?  
  
He remembered Shige's eyes bright with hope the night of the Countdown; the sweat on Shige's brow and the determination on his face during their extra practices; the smiling admiration when he'd told Ryo how much he'd liked the lyrics to 'Code'.  
  
And it dawned on him that it wasn't a choice – whether he regretted this or not.  It was more of an ability, or _in_ ability.  He could not.  
  
He simply could not, was incapable, of regretting the teasing, the snarky back-and-forths, the late-night phone calls and messages, Shige's hands in his hair, the comforting feel of falling asleep with his head pillowed upon Shige's lap, and so much more.  
  
“No... no, I don't.”  _I don't, can't, won't regret it._  
  
“Then don't feel stupid.”  Hina gave Ryo a tiny grin as he ruffled his hair.  “How can feeling happiness ever be stupid?”  
  
After a while, Ryo gave an answering smile in return.  
  
*  
  
Ryo entered his home with a lighter step than he had left with this morning, heading towards his room and throwing himself upon the bed.  It had been a long day, but the fatigue and hopelessness plaguing him had finally dissipated, and he felt wide awake.  
  
He dug in his pocket for his phone, finally feeling ready enough to look at the messages he'd been ignoring for days, even though he still had to brace himself before opening his inbox.  There were at least ten unread message icons blinking on the screen.   
  
 _You won't know what to do until you face it_ , Hina's words floated at the back of his mind, _all you have now is what you_ think _you know, and nothing but a whole load of irrational fears._  
  
Starting on the earliest one, which was sent by Yamapi the day after Shokura taping, Ryo scrolled through each and every one.  The majority were from Yamapi, with the earlier ones being just regular updates of his activities and random opinions, but as the days went by and Ryo had not replied, the messages had become more concerned.  The last one had been short and simple.   
  
 _Ryo-chan, when you come back, we have to talk._  
  
Shige had sent him only three messages.  
  
 _I hope you're feeling better, Nishikido-kun.  I'd tell you to take it easy, but then, this is you we're talking about :)  
  
Next week is the last week of drama filming.  Finally!  Now all I have to do is concentrate on being a singing, dancing idol once more.  
  
Nishikido-kun, when you come back, there is something I would like to tell you._

_***  
_

Ryo stood at the entrance of the jimusho building.  He'd been standing there for the past fifteen minutes, staring at the dark-tinted glass doors but making no move to push them open, until the evening's security guard had come up to ask if Nishikido-san was alright.  Slightly mortified, Ryo had bowed, mumbled a little incoherently and hurried inside.  
  
Now he walked slowly down the corridors, quiet since it was at the end of the day, wondering what he was doing here.   
  
He wasn't due to come in until tomorrow, even though for once, he'd arrived at Tokyo from Osaka at a fairly decent hour.  But after dumping his bag in his apartment, he'd felt too restless to remain staring at the empty four walls, yearning for someone else to be there to share the space with him.  He'd meant to just take a walk to clear his head, maybe run a couple of mundane errands like stock up on his groceries, but the jimusho was where he'd ended up, hands empty and one day too early.  
  
Ryo paused without really thinking at one of the doors along the hallway, and as it registered upon him where he was, he couldn't help but think that perhaps his body was less confused than his heart.   
  
The lights within the dance studio were still on, with the door open a crack, and Ryo could hear the muffled bass beat of the music from the room.  Stepping closer, he peered through the tiny seam to see Shige inside.  
  
 _You won't know what to do until you face it._  
  
And as Ryo stood there, door handle clutched in a white-knuckled fist, drinking in the sight of Shige, he realised that Hina had been so, so right.  
  
Shige was practicing his dance steps, sweat trickling down his neck and plastering his t-shirt to his back as he ran through the new choreography designed for 'SHOCK ME vs. Devil and Angel'.  Almost immediately, Ryo could tell that he was having problems with it.  
  
Shige had started off fine, but as the song entered the first chorus, his movements became more sluggish and he missed a beat that caused a fumble on the next turn, throwing him off completely as he lost the sequence and had to start all over.  The second time through, Shige still made mistakes at the same spot and again, he hit the replay button on the cd player to begin from the top.  
  
By now, it was getting obvious to Ryo that Shige was just forcing himself to move and halfway through, Shige stumbled on a cross-step, landed wrongly, and fell to the floor heavily, grabbing his right ankle in pain.  
  
Before he knew he was moving, Ryo was already on the floor next to Shige, ignoring Shige's exclamation of surprise as he brushed aside the other's hands to check on Shige's ankle himself.  “What did you do to it?” Ryo demanded as he probed with gentle fingers over the area.  It was slightly swollen, but didn't appear especially serious.  
  
“I might have strained it a little during the practice earlier,” Shige replied, his answer ending on a slightly pained gasp as Ryo pressed along the joint space harder.  
  
“What's the point of being a prodigy if you don't use that brain power to think sensibly?”  Ryo slowly rotated Shige's ankle while watching Shige's face for any signs of discomfort, and gradually got distracted by the way Shige was biting his lip in an attempt to suppress his reflexive yelps when Ryo twisted it to more extreme angles.  He realised he was staring when Shige met his gaze with a slight wariness in his eyes.  “What are we always told from day one of dance class?!” he asked brusquely to cover up his slip.  
  
Shige's voice was sheepish when he replied, “To stop if we think we strained something and not push ourselves in case we worsen the injury.”  
  
“You don't seem to have any trouble remembering it, so why the hell didn't you rest properly?!” Ryo blasted as he sat back on his heels.  It was easier to hide behind his usual bluster than to think about how he was going to redefine his interactions with Shige.  Even though he'd forcibly shoved it to the back of his mind, the contents of Shige's short text message had still wormed its way to the forefront of his thoughts.  
  
Shige shrugged and nodded, before attempting to push himself off the floor.  “You're right, Nishikido-kun.  I was tired and distracted, and I shouldn't have been doing the extra practice this evening.  I wasn't really thinking straight.”  
  
Ryo scrambled up along with him, grabbing one of Shige's arms to sling across his shoulder.  
  
“It's alright, I can walk by myself, Nishik--” Shige cut himself short at the look Ryo gave him, correctly concluding that he'd made enough tactical blunders for one night.  
  
They limped down the hallway back to their dressing room in silence, Ryo hyper-aware of Shige's warm body pressed against his side, the play of muscles at Shige's lower back with each step Shige took.  Shige's t-shirt had ridden up slightly when he'd stood up earlier and Ryo's fingers could feel the smooth skin of the hollow above Shige's hipbone.  
  
When they finally arrived at the dressing room and Ryo let Shige sit down on the couch, he couldn't make up his mind which he felt more – relief, or that pang of loss.  
  
“I'll go get you some ice for the ankle,” he muttered as he quickly ducked out of the room before he could get any more confused.  
  
When Ryo returned, Shige had sprawled out on the couch, head thrown back, exposing the long line of his throat.  His chest was still heaving slightly from his earlier exertions and Ryo could see the thin strip of pale skin he'd touched just now peeking between the hem of Shige's t-shirt and the low-riding waistband of his sweat pants.  
  
“...Nishikido-kun?”   
  
Ryo came back to himself to find that Shige had sat up a bit and was staring at him, a little puzzled, so he rushed forward to place the ice pack over Shige's ankle, babbling random critiques of Shige's dancing in a mini-panic.  
  
Shige's amused chuckle stopped Ryo's words in mid-flow, and he jerked his head up to see Shige watching him with an indulgent smile.  “It's a little embarrassing to say out loud, but strangely, I've missed this – Nishikido-kun's poison tongue.”  But there's no malice in Shige's voice, and his eyes were dancing and lively.  “Although it was hard to bear at times, you've never led me wrong.”  
  
Ryo found himself wondering if they could just stay like this, for the next hour or two, but then he caught himself and tore his gaze aside, lest his thoughts became more sappy than they already were.  
  
“You better not let Pi hear you saying that.”  
  
The instant the words left Ryo's mouth, he knew it had been the wrong thing to say, even before he felt the sudden jump in tension in the muscles of Shige's legs under his hands.   
  
Silently cursing himself, Ryo peeked back up at the younger man, but Shige's expression was already shuttered, his brows drawn together in a frown.  Shige's long fingers were fidgeting with the hem of his t-shirt, alternately wringing the material and then straightening it out.  He wasn't looking at Ryo and once again, Ryo felt trapped in the same helplessness he'd been assailed with that night at the restaurant.  
  
“Shige, I--”  
“Yamapi--”  
  
They met each other's surprised eyes at their respective outbursts, and the awkwardness between them suddenly dissolved amidst their sheepish laughter.  
  
Ryo realised that he'd unconsciously moved closer to Shige in his worry, and now one of his hands was upon Shige's knee.  He decided he liked having it there.  
  
Shige appeared to be screwing up his courage to say something.  Ryo waited, keeping still, as if any movement now might break this moment, this moment that he sensed was so important, though he still didn't know how or why.  
  
“Yamapi and I... aren't really together for the time being.”  
  
“...What?  Why?!”  Ryo hadn't meant to ask but the question had come out reflexively.   
  
Thankfully, Shige was very much in his own thoughts by now – the expression he had on his face was the one he always wore when he was searching deep within himself – and didn't seem to have heard Ryo.  
  
Ryo felt his own emotions roiling within him.  The sinking feeling that Shige's break with Yamapi had something to do with him was fighting a fast-losing battle with a buoyancy of spirit that he hadn't experienced since he had first answered a phone call that he shouldn't have.  
  
“I had to sort myself out,” Shige began slowly.  “I... I became very confused.”  Shige tried to keep the tone of his voice even, but Ryo could still catch the frustration and hint of self-loathing that laced Shige's words as he spoke.  
  
“When Pi told me he had feelings for me and wanted the two of us to be together, it felt like a dream.  It sort of made me feel like, 'I'm here!'  I mean, Pi could have had anyone, but for some reason, he decided that he liked me, and I'm so happy for that.”  A little smile had formed over Shige's features and Ryo's heart gave a lurch at the sight, but he made himself continue listening – he'd wanted to understand more of Shige, hadn't he?  And now he was being given the chance.  
  
“If it was two or three years ago, I think I would have died, just going out with Pi alone – just the thought itself was intimidating.  But it was different after the hiatus.  Pi let his guard down and showed us so much more of himself.”  Shige paused, a faraway look in his eyes.  “I like who I am when I'm with him, I like how he sees me and accepts me.  When he tells me to worry less, I do – worry less, I mean.  He makes me more confident of who I've become.”  
  
Ryo's throat had tightened more and more with every word that left Shige's mouth, until it felt like he could barely speak.  “Then why did you... if...”  He'd never been that great with words in situations like these.  
  
A warm hand closed over his own ice-cooled fingers curled around the top of Shige's knee.  “He told me - that you were in love with me.”  
  
For an endless second, it was as if the world had shrunk into this tiny point.   
  
Ryo could see nothing but Shige's fingers overlaying his own, could hear nothing but the sudden wild pounding of his heart.   
  
Finally, the increasing pressure around Ryo's hand made it dawn upon him that maybe Shige wasn't as confident as he'd sounded.  He opened his mouth to say – what, he wasn't sure, just something that could help reassure Shige that it was fine, it was alright if Shige had found happiness with Yamapi, there were no obligations for him to have to deal with Ryo's feelings at all.  
  
“No, let me finish.  Otherwise I don't know when I'll be brave enough to say this again.”  Shige's face was quite pale, and he had that half-grimace that Ryo knew from experience meant he was actually terrified, trying to mask it, but was still totally determined to go through with whatever he'd decided to do.  
  
“...I've come a long way – this past year.  And it was not only Pi that made such a difference.  There's this other person.  He... he kind of just... just barged in one day and set up shop, and I've never been able to get him to leave since--”  Shige stopped when Ryo turned his hand upwards and laced their fingers together.  
  
“Stop using all these complicated phrases, Shige,” Ryo whispered.  “What are you trying to say?”  This time round, Ryo didn't think he had got it wrong, but he wanted to hear it come from Shige's mouth anyway.  
  
Shige kept his head bent, gazing at his hand in Ryo's for what seemed to Ryo like a torturous eternity.  Then Shige let out a little gasping laugh, the tension appearing to drain from him together with it.   
  
“It's you, Nishikido-kun.  I can't remember when you started becoming so important to me, but you just did.  One day, I just realised how much I value what you think of me, how you see me...” Shige raised his other hand to finger the short strands of his hair absently.  “You've always been pushing me, challenging me, throwing me off-balance.  You drive me to be more, to try and be all that I can be.  You drag me out of my comfort zone, and yet, when I'm standing out there in the unfamiliar new world, I find you, standing there next to me.”  
  
"I was going to leave it alone, since you never ever said anything, and Pi had already made his intentions clear."  Shige looked up to meet Ryo's eyes.  “But when Pi told me about your feelings, I couldn't possibly ignore it.”  Shige's brow furrowed.  “The both of you mean equally much to me, I just can't see a way to--”  
  
He got cut off as Ryo suddenly leaned up and cupped Shige's cheek, drawing Shige's head down so that he could capture those lips and stop the words tumbling out.  Shige stiffened in shock, but Ryo kept his mouth pressed to Shige's, until finally, Shige's lashes fluttered shut.  It started gentle and tentative, their lips brushing softly against each other's, then Shige's mouth parted, Shige's tongue darting out to trace Ryo's bottom lip.  Ryo met Shige's tongue with his own, and the kiss got deeper and longer.  When they eventually parted, they were reluctant and lingering.  
  
“I guess that didn't really help matters, did it?” Ryo murmured against Shige's mouth as he got up off the floor to settle down beside Shige on the couch.  
  
“No... no, it definitely didn't.”  But Shige's hands had already come up to clutch at Ryo's jacket as their lips came together once more.

***

That was how Yamapi found them.  
  
Ryo had ended up against the left side of the couch, head leaning back, left arm hanging loosely over the arm rest, with his other hand curled loosely over Shige's. Shige was lying asleep with his head upon Ryo's lap, facing away from Ryo with his knees drawn up and hands folded against his chest, in a reversal of the tableau that had been so often displayed over the last few months.  
  
As their kisses had gradually intensified, Ryo had shifted to lie back across the length of the couch, pulling Shige on top of him, but ironically, that had seemed to shake Shige out of his passionate daze. Ryo could only stare up at him in incomprehension, chest heaving slightly, as Shige had sat back on his knees, raking a shaky hand through his hair.  
  
“No,” Shige had said a little desperately. “No, we can't do this, Nishikido-kun.”  
  
Ryo had slowly pushed himself up on one elbow, the other hand raised up to cup Shige's flushed cheek, his thumb pressing against the corner of Shige's mouth softly. “Ryo. Call me Ryo.”  
  
Shige had flinched slightly and tried to turn his head away, but Ryo's hand had stubbornly followed. “Please, stop, Nishikido-kun,” Ryo had kept his hand where it was, “Nishi-- Ryo. Please.”  
  
Only then did Ryo let his hand fall away.  
  
Shige's own fingertips had unconsciously brushed the same spot where's Ryo's fingers had been. “I'm sorry. We really shouldn't. I don't think it's fair, to either you, or Pi. Until I can finally understand what it is exactly that I want.”  
  
Ryo had stared up at Shige's pleading eyes, at the confusion and misery swimming in their dark depths, and had felt his own heart ache at the sight. “Alright, fine,” he had made those reluctant words leave his mouth, “but let me hold you, at least for now. For the rest of this evening, just stay with me.”  
  
Shige's expression had softened and he'd nodded wordlessly. Ryo had sat up, reached for Shige's hand again, and then guided Shige to pillow his head upon Ryo's lap. Initially, Shige had been tense, unused to this switch in their positions, but as the minutes passed, his breaths had evened out in slumber as the physical and emotional toll of the day made itself known.  
  
Ryo savoured the warm weight of Shige resting upon him, memorising the slightly ticklish feel of Shige nuzzling his nose against the fabric of Ryo's pants in his sleep. Fatigue, from the travelling earlier in the day to the emotional upheaval that followed, was setting in for him as well, and he'd leaned back to get more comfortable as his eyelids got heavier, though he still kept a protective arm over Shige.  
  
A niggling of an idea was taking form in his sleep-fogged mind, but he felt too tired to give it further shape.  
  
And that was how Yamapi found them as he quietly pushed the door to the dressing room open. He padded silently over to the couch and shifted Ryo's arm away so he could sit on the armrest, looking from Shige's sleeping face to his fingers intertwined with Ryo's.  
  
Ever the light sleeper, Ryo jolted awake at the sense of movement, but Shige merely shifted a little restlessly, before burying his face in between his own arm and Ryo's thigh.  
  
Ryo peered up blearily at Yamapi, who grinned a little lopsidedly and ruffled Ryo's hair. “I thought I'd find you here.”  
  
Ryo's lips twitched in a tiny smile of acknowledgment as he tilted his head to rest against Yamapi's side. “You really always know what I'm thinking.”  
  
“Come on, it's actually not that hard, considering how long we've known each other.” Yamapi's fingers were now stroking Ryo's scalp gently, the way Ryo always liked.  
  
“Oh yeah? Then what am I thinking now?” Ryo twisted his neck up despite the slightly awkward angle to deliver his challenge.  
  
Yamapi didn't answer, but pulled away a bit, and he and Ryo looked at each other for a long moment, before Yamapi's gaze slid away to rest on Shige's slumbering figure.  
  
“He said, one of us is like black, and the other white. And he doesn't know how to reconcile the two.” Yamapi's voice was a low murmur so as not to disturb the sleeping man. “Both colours are equally important to him, and he doesn't know how to live with only the one or the other. So, this being him, he'd rather just forsake both. It would only be fair, he said, something he would live with – it's the price he should pay for his own indecisiveness and inability to choose.”  
  
Even though he tried to control it, Ryo could feel his hand over Shige's clutching harder and harder the more Yamapi spoke. There was a strange wrenching feeling in his gut. The shadowy idea that had materialised earlier was solidifying into something stronger, like an inexorable faith.  
  
Yamapi poked Ryo's cheek, drawing his attention back. “Ne, Ryo-chan. We can teach him, right? We can teach him how to live in a world of grey.” He flashed his fingers in a quick 'v-sign'. “That's what you were thinking.”  
  
The more Ryo thought about it, the more right it felt. He would rather have Shige happy, loving both him and Yamapi with all his generous heart, not having to make this impossible choice, than to watch Shige torture himself over the two of them, agonising over a decision he might never bring himself to make.  
  
Ryo felt the knot binding his heart start to unravel. “No, I was thinking how we were going to convince Shige of this,” he retorted half-heartedly.  
  
Yamapi scoffed a little and tugged at Ryo's hair. “Sure you were.”  
  
Ryo swatted his hand away and poked Yamapi in his side in retaliation before they settled down again, peacefully, easily, to wait for Shige to wake up.


	5. Epilogue

He gets ready to strum the first chord on his guitar upon the darkened stage. His heartbeat, which has calmed a little after the mad rush to change and appear again that always ensues after the previous song, begins to pick up speed again. This is the final night of their tour and he knows, once the tour is over, it may be the last time in a long while that he will get to sing this song once more. There may be other solos for other concerts and other albums, but he can't imagine how they can ever come close to what 'code' means for him.  
  
He'd brushed past Shige as he dashed up the steps to the exit, and he fixes the image of Shige's smiling face in his mind, along with Pi giving him a jaunty thumbs-up as he had slung his guitar over his shoulder. He can still see Shige spazzing out with the silly little crown perched at an angle on his head, the glow of excitement and sheer happiness illuminating Shige's features from within as he works the audience during 'Chirarizumu'. He remembers the feel of the softness of Pi's lips on his fingertips from when he'd touched them earlier at the end of 'Daite Senorita', the mischievous glee with which Pi was shaking his butt during 'Zukkoke Otoko Michi'.   
  
His heart still catches a bit as he recalls the brilliance of Shige's smile focused solely on him when they pass each other by on the mini-carts bringing them around the Dome. And he tries really really hard not to think of how Pi's smouldering eyes tempted him so much throughout 'SHOCK ME' vs. 'Devil and Angel' that he threw caution to the winds and hurled himself into Pi's arms at the end of it, fully aware of Shige gazing hungrily down at the two of them from the level above.  
  
He screams out the 'yeah's as the lights flood the stage with their brilliance, and the music intensifies in its emotions. He pours his heart and soul into every word, every note, and he knows, even though they can't see it, that Pi and Shige are listening to his best performance yet.   
  
He understands now what it was he felt all those months ago, dreaming that dream that had started it all.  
  
He doesn't see the thousands of fans swaying in the background as he sings. There's only the remnants of that exquisite dream and the images of the shadowed figures reaching out to him, their identities finally made clear.  
  
In his mind's eye, he's playing to an audience of two – Shige sitting at the edge of the stage, Pi swinging his legs from atop one of the larger speakers. Comprehension finally dawns in Shige's eyes as Shige watches him sing, and they mouth each 'yeah' together as the song draws to its end, Shige's eyes locked with his the entire time. The last chord dies down and Shige is striding towards him as Pi presses against him from behind. Then Shige is slinging one arm around his neck and fusing their lips together hot and hard, drawing away only to breathe 'ai wo' against his mouth before leaning in once more.  
  
The black feathers drift down, all around them, like pieces of a code finally broken.


End file.
